wherever we might have come from about. a nothing thing. tunes. and now he's here waiting for his breakfast (over easy, ham, english muffin, hash browns). he thinks it's the thursday before x-mas. criminal investigation. napkin. writing nonsense to no one. hair. before and after.
    and jesus. and buddha. and whoever else there might be of those type guys or not. movies. emotion. human.
    to the degree of reason or emotion as to what one should allow.
    to allow that which makes one feel good whether or it makes sense or not.
    to allow only that which makes sense regardless as to whether it makes one feel good or not.
    as long as people will argue one or the other with one another.
    the fascist factions within the free democratic state.
    to remove oneself from the argument.
    to wish to continue the argument.
    oneself.
    others.

    all that is not said. all we know one could have said. one wanted to say but didn't. all of us could have said and wanted to say. we sit here silent to one another.

    herb: the question as to whether it is more ethical to control another's behavior with positive reeforcement - biscuit - than negative reeforcement - rolled up newspaper - begs the question as to whether it is ethical to control another's behavior to begin with.
    bert: there is usually not a question of ethics with that question as it is seen as pragmatically necessary to control another's behavior by whatever means.
    herb: transparent.
    bert: transfixed.
    herb: fascinated.
    bert: what we see and what we do not see.
    herb: to the shape of what is to come. to the idea of what is to come that shapes what is to come. very often the positive shaping and creating the negative and vice versa as a mold shapes what is poured into it suchlikewise.
    bert: or something like that.
    herb: though just as often that is not thought of as what effect our ideas will have or what has affected them when we have them and promote them.
    bert: we think of our ideas as existing in and of themselves somehow gotten and put together outside the flow of events and then we just try to insert them surgically into the flow of events and that should be altered according.
    herb: we forget that our ideas and the flow of events are not two separate things no more than our breath can be divided from our bodies.
    bert: or something like that.
    herb: ethereal space ideas inspiration or someone is enlightenment.
    bert: or something like that.
    herb: gods.
    bert: but to say this we are not saying that there only exists the material.
    herb: but it is not something that exists outside the material.
    bert: exactly.

    to enter into and out of their world. to begin and end it. to know what it is and is not.
    to find the form. to form the language. to speak of the found form.
    to relate through the form.

    razzle: well, you know, i don't believe in god or gods or whatever in terms of that we're here just as manifestations of their will. you know - like a predestination karma thing. gods and stuff is only something we made up to keep people in line. if we stop we'll be a lot better off. though it still seems to work for a lot of people still. heaven and hell and all that. but, you know, um - the atheist objectivist pragmatic thing isn't it either. i mean, um, both have to be expressed - the emotional and the intellectual - without interfering with one another or denying one another, you know - or something.
    dazzle: what the fuck are you talking about?

    ice cream.

    an in.
    an out.
    a glance to the side at the roses. an attraction of the moment. they smell as sweet with no one smelling them or named them before we had them dug up and burned. before we built the machine in their place and stead. and at a push of a button we have roses and more roses than anyone had ever dreamed were possible. and perhaps they are not possible. that's the chance we take. but possibility or impossibility were things we never had to be all that overly concerned about being a small matter of inconvenience of contradiction that is easily bypassed and ignored and eventually forgotten as we step into the role reserved for god and take control of our fate and responsibility for our actions. responsibility we are not alone responsible for. we answer to no one but ourselves as there is no one who we recognize as having authority over us but ourselves though there are those who have power over us or desire to have power over us but that is not the same thing. these we recognize as fools who at the most we pity as being ones who just don't know any better and cannot help or prevent themselves from believing and behaving the way they do.
    oh well.
    such is life.
    we are in the next world and we are on our own. to those others who have not arrived yet we can only say, come on in, the water's fine. and don't be late. don't be late.
    but as par norm this is just the usual nonsense we are here to spew forth unto the masses. it doesn't need to mean anything whatsoever unless one wants or needs it to mean something and in that case one is responsible for whatever meaning one might want or need it to have for oneself. one should be advised to be ever suspectful of any or all meaning any or all of this may appear to have or is said to have by others or not. this includes any and all meaning - or not meaning - it may appear that we are implying it may have. even though we are the ones who have written the damn fucking thing we should be the last ones one should believe in regard to it having meaning or not. are we clear about this?
    anyhow - feelings determined the truth closest to what which comes and/or of what defined as being resembles exists as consider that anything all else and accepted that it seems believing integral part long ago realized of the human condition.
    human condition? we decided not to be human anymore. we don't like the other humans or what they do. but that may be another trait and characteristic of being human. many humans don't like other humans or what they do. toss it all in the land fill where there will be built a new state of the art shopping mall and all will be forgotten.

    dharma zig zag ding-a-ling whiz-bang ha-ha all the day and all of the night.
    everything seems to be alright.

    the facade of altruism. the harmony of peace that enables the smoother maneuvers of war. smiles of gritted teeth. the right hand shakes to make the deals while the left hand is concealed. when one can allow oneself not to know what one is doing half the time then one becomes the perfect socilal/political creature. so charming with one's deception that even one's enemies must admire the technique by which they were betrayed.
    we would rather the open conflict than the rational calculation.
    but then we are fools. or so we have been told.
    we are kept around as an example to others of who not to be. we give them the excuse they need for their power games. without an enemy there is no reason for war or justification for its preparation, is there?
    though we are kept in check we remain visible enough so the others will see that a real threat to their lifestyle still exists and in that way they are less apt to question the security that has taken the place of their freedom.
    we are an example of what fate is in store for those who do not obey the rules. of course these are the rules of peace, not of war. let anyone try to prove otherwise. let them try to expose what lies beneath this thin veneer. not one side nor the other will admit to it being anything other than how it appears. it is safer that way.
     and being safe is our primary concern. not only safe from others but safe from ourselves. imagine ourselves out of control. imagine the violence of our pent up frustrations spent in childlike tantrums throughout the population. until someone takes control again.

    a dark time of day.
    a willow wishing.
    tree.
    eat.
    wanting to fall in love but being unable to do so due to political circumstances.

    a telegram from icky space in an envelope of ice-8 jello mold oceans or something like that. let us repeat that by stating perhaps something like that but maybe a bit differently askewly turning in a slow spin sometimes too subtle to perceive without careful prolonged observation of same. we wonder. does anyone else wonder too? do we wonder at and about the same or similar as well as diverse and different whatever and whatnot twist and shout it out of one's mind once its parasitic invasion and/or implantation or/and mutation/reaction is recognized for what it is? we repeat, for what it is, not for what it is at first thought to be. just because it lies outside one's newfound consciousness does not mean that it is any less non-illusionary than what is presently perceived by conscious thought. but perhaps we are getting a trifle too abstractly for our slower readers. we should pause a moment and...

    ok, back to zero. how do we respond to any of this? measure the inquisitive against the hostile. who's saying what and why? do they know? or are they oblivious to and of the underlying meaning or meaninglessness to our original deposit into their known experiencing?
    who am us?
    who the fucking hell flaming god awful glorious radiant peace of heaven luciferian bliss light and elbow room am us?
    what?
    what the fuck?
    what in the kindly dark lord's name is this diddling dribbling doo-doo?
    freeze!
    huh?
    but not to be serious for a moment, we add that we find it all interesting and amusing to observe this social phenomenal occurring thing as such as this interactive computer linking as it struggles newborn and toddling toward the full expression as a major worldwide post-historical hysterical peak of a wave of waves waving onward and upward until there are no gods or forces or powers but ours. then will we then learn compassion? we doubt it yet see no reason why it couldn't happen that way. what have we got to lose? what have we lost already? what have we gained?
    nothing.
    everything.
    both.
    neither.
    both and neither.

    one more time. go. go in peace. and if one has none to go in then take some of ours. that with one one may find in these epistles unto thee.
    hooray!
    rejoice at wonderful wonder surrounding us.
    jesus h. fucking christ.
    or don't. or not. but remember one does have a choice with any and all that may be chosen. remember reality is that reality we perceive regardless of its entire actual existence or not.
    does one know this?
    does one think we do?
    what does one think we know or not? just because we may have trouble with the local lingo or technical terminology symbology dialect does it mean we know diddly squat? does/can one only hear another voice or only one's own?
    do/can we?
    but ours is plain language as plain as we can make it with a few twists and turns added for our amusement. and let it go which way it wants as what is its own logical direction as seeming illogical following many paths.
    grasshopper.
    sputnik.
    how do we yearn for one to be with us as it might be possible as possible may be in this wild juncturing of wild possibility.

    dada-ananda.
    deliberate irrationality - bliss.
    what is deliberate?
    what is irrationality?
    what is bliss?
    [ ] yes
    [ ] no
    well, sort of, but that is what it is the questioning mind eating up answers like they were candy and that candy dosed with whatever pleases one most.
    yikes!
    where's the off switch? there is only one. the bullet in and through the brain.
    o' mind of minds of our mind, show us the error of our misgiving and regret. let us put away sorrow and pain. show us as we show ourselves. demonstrate the wonder of our will and help us abide with its power in useful pursuit of fancy.

    is there a message here? should there be one? if one thinks there should be then there probably is one - or two - or three - or six... it's up to whoever to discover/choose what message there might be. there are clues galore for the acutely perceptive and/or psychotically inclined.
    it's just information.
    take it. it's up for grabs for anyone and one can shove it in one ear and out the other or up one's rotating asshole as for all we care.
    eat it.
    digest.
    shit.
    next.

    a free willful world. an apocalypse of human awakening thunderous in its horror of birth into another reality perception mode groove. the shattering of eggshell consciousness from within. the bursting of the womb sac from contraction waves of departure pushing us outward into arms that will embrace and hands that fondle and provide. hands that sometimes push away. hands that are sometime fists. we take our chances.

    o' our dear beautiful and wonderful friends all: we fuck your popes we fuck your kings and queens. we fuck your god and gods and goddesses. we fuck your messiahs. we fuck your satan. we fuck your secret chiefs. we fuck your "bob". we fuck ourselves.
    we are those of the self-inflicted wounds. we are to blame for everything. stay away from us. we are diseased with the incurable madness pure and simple. a virus so subtle and virulent it is transmitted by language that even mentions it. this that you are reading is crawling with it. be glad that it does not make sense to you. you are as yet saved. stop. as this exposure is continued and what we write will begin making sense to you as it does us, you too will be mad and will need to be isolated from and by society on all levels from the corporate institutional organizations as well as the ad hoc improvised action committees that pop up like weeds that seed and die and/or flourish and spread.
    you know. you see it too, don't you?
    have we answered any of your questions, accusations, threats, riddles yet?
    so far none of you have answered ours.
    hello? anybody home out there?
    nevermind.

    a code. a defeat of illusion. backtracking. back breaking. feeling something feeling. and always only merely words. and always only the sound they make or the marks on the page. and the speeding blur of thought.
    another place.
    another time.
    another development developing. a dog in the back seat across the desert.

    yes.
    start out with yes. from the secret heart. yes without the why or why not. and then the lies that follow.
    no.
    start out with no. from the forbidden heart. see children dancing. see the sun shining. see all that is denied.
    and as we move closer to it we move further away.

    ed: the right of the individual to pursue freedom.
    ted: the right of the group to restrict individual freedom in regard to maintaining group harmony.
    ned: but whereas the harmony of the group is dependent upon the restriction of individual freedom and individual freedom is measured in terms of how much the individual disrupts the harmony of the group a situation exists that leads solely to conflict that benefits neither the individual nor the group but results in their mutual frustration with one another that neither can disconnect from without leaving themselves exposed to the other.
    fred: the pursuit of freedom should be pursued independently from the group if that freedom interferes with the harmony of the group. the harmony of the group should be constructed and maintained independently from the pursuit of freedom by the individual if it interferes with the freedom of the individual.
    (note: the above does not represent anything having to do with us. it was overheard on the stage of the burning theater.)

    to do and provide for what is easier said than done. zip my pins, baby, dan the man cried into his pillow moaning with painful lust and expectation. a hormonal fever of motherly warmth touching wanting to be felt.
    investigation in overdrive. on the lookout sensing information surmised from exposure to tendril clues indicating deeper wider movement.
    graph it. hyperspacial equationing twirl loop dance. statistical geometry. a bug eye listening to a heartbeat while microscoping a blink of an eye and telescoping its geo-political socio-economic impact in and out backwards.
    the greatest joy for all for one and one for all.

    marching to the same different drummer dancing away from the spiral towers as a record and a spindle outward inward mix and matching melting and dividing in free patterns as the twirling nomads weaving in an evolving collectioning of grooves grooving push/pull over and under up and down in/out thing thinging into and out of graves drinking water and shit genetic craziness with a purpose move and shake and be here now to see it all be moved and shaken.

    dead bottom.
    a look up her skirt. shoeshine feet with mannered display. goof it up, charlie bones. a talk with mr. d. a walk with a shadow. a potato salad of a shadow. as real as can be imagined. the sargasso current courtyard assembly never fully assembled but assembling. a story book land language spoken laughing spirit of fear loathing frightening freedom with concerns toward and away from one too many reality forms and states of mind and all such forth. if one has even that to hold onto.
    a zero ground to begin again that is populated by abandoned prisoners caught in mind vice devising.
    as it is mostly seen to be a desirable perspective state to cast away sorrow yet to have one's weaving spin a cocoon of fate which is not to be avoided if one prepares to hatch and be born upon waves onto shores of strange familiar occurrences occurring.
    of a midnight mind glowing in the dark forbidden afternoon gray. to see color again. to cry out again. to shout joy again.
    remember this.
    remember that.
    remember it.
    from a moment of past regret to a moment of future hope. a turning on a dime. on the head of a pin.

    be-bop baby go boom.
    disco dizzy.
    punk puke.
    thrash task.
    folk joke.
    hippie trippy.
    techno heck-no.
    country bumping.
    space tracing.
    metal mash.
    rap patrol.
    reggae smeggae.

    learning to avoid discussions.
    sleep and waking rhythms.
    acceptable antisocial behavior and behavioral systems.
    the expression of angst and its oxymoronic dilemma
    natural political rhythms and their creating response to politically controlled environments.

    a self-study of self.
    social solipsism.
    - how to deal with, tolerate and mutually non-interfere with people who do not agree that one is all that exists and still get what one wants.
    - how to know and measure what one wants against what one must do to get it.

    a teenager in love forever.
    conflicting compromise.
    to work and play.
    dimensions of discussion.
    zeroland.
    the spirit of reality.
    the soft heartmind.
    pricks and cunts.
    sons of bitches.
    assholes.
    bastards.
    pussy whipped.
    mom and dad.
    the presentable image.
    love and war.
    white power.
    power and authority.
    controlled and controlling.
    factors and elements of society.

    on beginning and ending and continuing.
    an irrational argument against rationality.
    the effect of social statistics of physical and metaphysical phenomena.
    the environment of the social environment.
    fucking people.
    mankind.
    father and sons.
    the bogeyman.
    the function of rape.
    heroes, villains and victims.
    we are them.
    fools and foolishness.
    bums.

    and what has failed.
    and what has become something more successful.
    and what has been left dreaming.
    as we decide how we want to define the world into how we see it operating and functioning.
    it works for or against us - or we work for or against it.
    the state of the art.
    a drama.
    the noise.
    ironic ivory towers.

    a blank of space and time filled with habitual function. conversation. a mind without very much to think about. the heart without very much to feel. a pervading curiosity. ideals of reason and emotion to maintain at all cost. never to surrender. a defense of territory except as it provides for defense.
    the constant complaint.

    in imitation.
    in a thoughtless moment.
    in a silence.
    a pool of wicked favor.
    a leaving.
    forgetting.

    as the tribes fall away from one another. as we expect something else.

    as he is waking up. as he's hit some peak level. as he was thinking that it's not the people on the top of things but the people just following orders down the line all the way below them. otherwise the people on top are just talking to themselves. like he is. like many of us are.
    and why shouldn't someone want to be on top? it's a place where they'll be listened to despite whatever nonsense they spit out.
    or whatever.
    pigs on ice.
    when there isn't anything to figure out but one keeps trying to figure it out anyway. whether it's the people or their gods. or their lack of love or lack of money.
    everything's frozen. this den of thieves who got away. the teachers and the students. the masters and the disciples.
    everything's easy. when the program's already written out and all one has to do is follow directions.  even when it comes to promoting change and revolution. find a book that will tell one what to do. one can of course improvise but that too should be done by a well taught and trained professional who knows which rules are to broken.
    and it's nothing new to want to be free.

    an abstract thing with nothing to abstract it from when one sees all is abstracted. space and the relationship of things in space. a put together world. a mechanical model driven by the fuel of imagination.
    and it's sort of hard to say hello to anyone without laughing in their face. it's all so fucking goddamn serious about who's who and what's what.

    an extra margin for nothing. another blank space filled in. space and time. money. who needs love? love defines the emptiness and fills it with promises. love turns its back on those who do not believe and demand something - anything - real. love leaves them to starve and waste away. love holds its head up high with expectation that all will kneel. love is convinced that describing an emotion with metaphors and acting out that emotion via symbols is all that is needed for it to do. love feeds the hungry with words and flowers. love only loves for money, never for love itself.
    gunfire in the streets.
    people in a panic. people in a slow burning riot. people hiding with their heads stuck up each other's assholes. one would think that they'd have enough pride in themselves to stick it up their own.

    and his only concern in regard to other people is whether or not they make him happy and/or amuse him.  whether or not they make themselves happy and/or amuse themselves while doing this is their problem, not his.

    to be no one.
    to be nothing.
    to let go.
    to exist without fearing or desiring to exist or not. to be of the mind to be able to stand on the peak of a mountain while lying in a gutter is to achieve the highest level of experience there is.
    to quietly lie in an unmarked grave and rot.
    to not need to seek these things but if they are what happens that they change nothing. that external conditions do not alter one's perception of the awe and wonder and joy of their being and one's being with them. that one does not fall into the disgust and boredom and anger of the others.
    when one expects nothing and is constantly surprised. when one is no longer constantly surprised then perhaps one is dead. and that is a surprise.
    of course he can do none of these things but imagine them.

    going through the motions. a day. a night. a week. a month. a year. a decade. a life.
    with people trying to impress one another. with people unable to face the fact that they are alone.
    to go through motions. to observe action reaction action. to see the machine. to seek the machine. to know the machine. to be the machine.
    to look at one's own face and to see nothing human behind it. to see a mask of flesh and blood and mind. when feelings and thoughts are only measurements - quantities and qualities - of information used to determine one's sense of presence beyond just existing. or something like that. but not that exactly. or not anything even remotely like that at all.
    but going through the motions.
    words.
    reality.
    questions.
    answers.

    there was this robot - a rich folk's toy - that was self-mobile and would cruise around the house when let go and would bump into things and then map them so it would not bump into them again and soon would be able to move around the house freely as long as nothing was moved or put in its way.
    that's pretty much what he has done. spent most of his life bumping into things until he mapped them out so he could avoid them in the future providing nothing is moved. but of course things do move. but many move in predictable ways and locations so that he has a reasonable chance of avoiding them. he avoids places where things move around a lot.
    it becomes a matter of defining oneself other than on the basis of conflict which is far easier said than done. conflict becomes a habitual mode of behavior and self-identity. without it one can feel lost and useless and non-existent.
    he is lost and useless and non-existent.

    by the far outside. by the extreme of it. by the shadow. by the stream.
    by the holy words once spoken. by dreaming. by wisdom.
    he wakes up. he sees the machine fucking itself. there is no other. there is no absence of other. there is no loneliness. there is only self.
    he moves the pieces of the game he needs and wants to. to suspend for a moment turning - searching for possibility. he strings the threads. there is a formula of non-formula to these actions. what and where and when he chooses.

    he supposes a few things. there is reason and there is not-reason. there is emotion and violence.
    he'll argue a reasonable argument for days on end. but if what the others want is an emotional argument, he can do that too. he can scream and throw and break things as well as anyone else. perhaps even better.
    but the emotional argument resolves nothing. it just allows whoever involved to get their ya-yas out. usually no more than pent up frustration that has nothing to do with the issue. in an argument he is not interested in hearing about or listening to how much another person's life sucks and how pissed off they are about it. that is something they need to take care of independently of the argument. if the other is unable to take care of it so that it does not enter into the argument and turning it into a rag and bitch fest then he sees no point in arguing with them any longer as the argument will be highly emotional and go nowhere and resolve nothing.
    to him, to come to something that can be resolved is the point of an argument. not winners. not losers. and not a process of venting emotional stress.

    the fundemental theme of developing themes. he saw it and didn't see it. he felt it and didn't feel it. he could think about it and he couldn't think about it.

    a failure.
    a meaning.
    a fault.

    the many wanting the same things. what they see on tv. the few distributing these same things to reward acceptable social behavior and conformity. but is this really some diabolical plot on the part of the few? but isn't it maintained by the many who don't want to change it except that they want to be one of the few at the top? and it happens every so often that the social order is overturned. but this only means that the pyramid is flipped so a different corner formerly on the bottom is now the apex. everything else functions the same.
    so what exactly are the needs and the wants of the many? are they to equally and communally share the profits of production? when evenly distributed they can no longer be considered wealth. wealth derives its meaning and value from what is held by the few and kept from the many. with that in mind then wealth cannot be distributed among the many since as soon as this is done it ceases to be wealth and is something common and ordinary. people do not want what is common and ordinary. they want what is only possessed by the few as wealth.
    wealth is only wealth because it is rare. much of wealth is useless. rarity is its only attribute. what can one do with gold? it has a few technological uses but for the most part it just sits there being gold. one cannot eat it. one can wear it but it will not keep one warm. what good is it? but because it is rare and only the few posses it, it can be traded for just about anything. if everyone had equal amounts of gold it would be worthless.
    people want wealth to be real. they want it to exist whether they possess it or not. as long as they feel that they might possess it by effort or by chance or combination of both they are happy with it. however, wealth only increases in value with the fewer people who possess it. therefore when one possesses wealth then one wants fewer people to have it. one would like to be the only one who has it.

    when one can see an increasing number of images at one time - though what is one time? at the same time? though that same time - a point that comes by on a rotating series of cycles that could be called a beginning/ending which can be anywhere at any time - could be at different times along the linear series  - though that too may be in cycles up to infinitely "round" - if rationally broken into numbers and be one point in its own cycle time reckoning - at the same time these two being subjectively relative to each other and other different. that is dimension - perhaps being determined by shifting of perception from one point to another which could be another cycle intermixed with - and the same and different as - the others.
    there is nothing but others from each other and nothing but the same as each other. and there is everything else as different and the same as that and even much more so of.
    we will not write of light and dark - of heaven nor hell - of god and satan - of everything nor nothing - of us and them - of good and evil - not in any seriousness. that is except in dead sober grim and amusing and amazed seriousness.
    crying: o' divinity of mine wild soaring free imagination and fanciful reality who did i discover as me, myself and i as the holy trinity mind state...

    the morning of something. when we stand on the shore watching the waves coming in to us and come out to them. there is a conformity of the small to the greater - of the momentary to the eternal. we can sail upon the waves or fly over them or dive beneath them but we cannot stop even one of them as to stop one is to stop them all as all are involved in the one as the one is involved in them all. the sea itself is one wave waving around the world all at once. all the waves we count are only how many times this one wave waves.
    and we turn back to ourselves. what exactly are we calling and counting as ourselves when we call and count ourselves? are we a wave producing further waves of ourselves further waving?
    or something like that.

    to have somehow awoken here and now. what a surprise. he had always thought before that his awakening would only occur under certain conditions at a certain place and time futurewise. nothing has changed. the conditions of the world and his relationship to it are the same if not worse. he is still more or less in the same place and it is still the same time as before. yet he has awakened. he is awake. he is fully aware of everything from the wave particle energy vibrating to the raging fires of stars of distant galaxies and all between and beyond and within and around - except what the fuck is going on in others' minds.
    he knew - or at least hoped - that this would happen to him. he felt that he was slowly moving toward it and that perhaps in a number of lifetimes of shedding karmic skin he had collected or that his petitions would finally make their way through the cosmic pantheon bureaucracy and land on some desk who had the authority and power to grant favor and after reading his appeals who would bless him or that by some accident of fate and dumb luck would arrange things as to make his life not only worth living but enjoyable to boot or he would be part of some world-wide awakening apocalyptic rapture thing or another.
    he doubts that any of these things have happened. but nonetheless he has awakened. he is walking the streets of paradise. there are angels at angles everywhere whose radiance lights his way even on the darkest nights.
    how strange. how weird and bizarre. how unlike anything else he has experienced in his life. yet how familiar. how common and ordinary. how much the same it all is. nothing has taken him away. he hasn't been anointed or transported. there is nothing that has acted on him or been enacted by him. just himself and simply changing his mind and deciding this is the world or perception of the world he would rather live in. he had reached a point where and when all he could do was lie curled up in his bed and shiver and shake and moan sick with fear and despair not wanting to live nor wanting to die unable to decide which was worse than which. he just wanted not to exist, to never have existed. just vanish and never to have been here at all. he wanted to undo all cause and effect of his being and all the trouble it seemed to cause himself and everyone else. he was the flaw in an otherwise perfectly cut diamond that made it worthless. he was beneath the lowest and despicable. he was the most evil.  though he knew he hadn't done anything anyone else hadn't done. but he knew what was in his mind. and on and on.
    none of that has changed either. he's still dog shit. he still doesn't have a clue as to what's going on around him as others clearly see it. he's still confused as all get out. but he just suddenly slowly woke up.
    unless he's totally delusional which he doesn't mind if he is. it's great. it's wonderful. it's fantastic.
    please excuse this interruption and his distracting one from the ongoing struggle against all that oppresses one and opposes one. he knows what he is writing here is nothing. he knows it provides one with no useful information to arm oneself with or justifies one's position - except adding his name to that ever-growing list of those who must be eliminated that will allow one's perfect world to come into existence that is presently out of one's reach in the here and now unlike his is. people always get in one's way, don't they? it pisses one off. if only they weren't so greedy and selfish and evil and stupid and lazy everything would be a-ok hunky dory groovy rad awesome outta sight fresh and fucking-a cruising rocking fine and dandy alright let the good times roll like some sort of holiday non-stop weekend with pay and close out rock bottom prices slashed we're giving it away sale-a-thon happy hour 24-hours a day. it'd be the mother daddy of all jubilees. all debts canceled. all misunderstandings forgiven since it was the fault of the enemy's influence to begin with and now the enemy been torn down and crushed and ground beneath one's dancing feet and all else is welcomed with hugs and kisses. free at last - free at last.
    and one can taste it. that glorious liberation day when the army waving one's own flag comes rolling and marching into town and the people cheer and church bells ring and confetti flies and faces grin and smile and voices laugh and over flowing tears of joy are wept out loud praising all that is holy and right that has been blessed and ordained this day in the name of one and all.
    he doesn't need to tell one how wonderful that day will be. one knows it already. one has the vision to see it. one can see into the future. and that future is getting closer every day one sweats and toils for it. it's within one's lifetime. it's just over the next mountain. just keep climbing. it's just a few more years off. it's right around the corner. it's next year. it's next month. it's next week. oh - could it be true. could it even be tomorrow? how exciting. it's almost here now. just one more day to go through all this bullshit these others make one go through and one has it. just work a little harder though one feels like one is gonna drop. one can do it. just think - no more suffering, no more pain. and the only one who is perceptive enough who sees it is oneself. just one more person has to die to get it going.
    and he imagines himself putting out his cigarette and standing up before one and saying:
    here i am. i am now here - nowhere. i have stolen everything from you. i have designed the machine that has enslaved you. look at me and you'll know it's true. others have seen it. i slipped and let some of it show and they had to turn away in trembling fear from my true face i usually keep well hidden.
    but you will not turn away. you will not be afraid. you are strong. you are brave. you know what must be done to bring about victory for your kind who i despise and have tortured and murdered for all of history. look at me. don't be fooled by my appearance as a meek and mild nobody special. are you going to let me get away without paying for what i've done? are you going to let me laugh in your face and tell you to take all that you believe in and sit on it and rotate?
    ha!
    you are a fool. go back to work. shut up and do what you are told. your day ain't here yet, if it's coming at all. i'm living your day right here and right now. and i'm spending it as fast as i can until there's nothing left for anyone else. you just keep waiting for tomorrow. maybe there will be enough left on the bones after the feast for you to suck on and maybe there won't. and you'll die without having lived at all. just another sucker born every minute.

    a shift.

    the mind that is the crossover between the so-called spiritual and the so-called material worlds. the mind must find balance between the two as to how it relates one to the other if it can. those who primarily relate to one and not the other at the expense of denying the other's use or influence or even existence.
    to see one as causal to the other. to see that of the spiritual creating the material or the material creating the spiritual. both leave us with the same question, where did that which creates come from? the answer in both cases seems to lie beyond the realm of cause and effect and so cannot be answered in those terms as that which is that which creates creates also cause and effect - or whatever.
    in the mind. the mind reaching out into both. the mind creating the concept and definition of both. the mind creating and understanding cause and effect.
    and dada.

    nothing is the basic concept. there was nothing and as far as anyone can prove there still is nothing and there always will be. until the impossibility of something comes out from it. this is where we begin and move outward from to try to prove there is indeed something instead of nothing. he thinks that if something is said to exist then it must be himself. he is the only one who can pronounce something as existing as nothing cannot. and he has yet to do so and does not see himself doing so in the near or distant future. something else may exist but this is not his concern. he himself as himself is a infinitesimal fraction of his existence as something that exists. but it is the infinitesimal fraction of his existence that is presently aware of his existence. beyond that there exists nothing.
    or so he imagines...